April 13th, 2024

today i fully listened to friend song by slaughter beach, dog for the first time in almost exactly 2 years. it feels like it has been a very long time, even if comparatively it is not very long. this song marked a very dark time in my life, however short it has been, and ever since the plane ride that gave me the worst depressive episode of my life i've subconsciously vowed to never listen to it again. i never wanted to feel what i felt listening to it over and over again thousands of feet in the air, planning my own death when i got home from my trip.
so much has changed since then. i have lost the friend i once considered too vital to lose, and i'm still alive. i lost another friend and had to fight through fixing the guilt and brain rewiring they put me through, and i'm still alive. i quit my first job that worked me to weekly breakdowns, and i'm still alive. i'm happier and more content and less lonely than i've ever been and i'm so happy i didn't figure out a way to end it all 2 years ago. this song used to fill me with horrible existential dread and make my chest feel like it was going to bloat and explode into a thousand blowflies - it feels much happier now. much more welcoming to the life i've made now. i feel much happier now.
please be nice to yourself, all of you, that has existed and will exist. you're doing your best, no matter what, don't forget that.